Patriots Will Win Super Bowl Bigly

The bowl  this weekend is going to be the best bowl ever. It’s gonna be super. It’ll be even better than the taco bowls at Trump Tower Grill. Two teams are going to play football, both tremendous teams, but only one of them is going to be the winner and get trophies and parades and a congratulatory phone call.

The winner will be the Patriots, because they have the most American name. Maybe if the Eagles made it to the big game then they would have the best name, but the Eagles were almost as big of a disaster this year as Hillary’s emails. And the Falcons just don’t have a very good name, am I right? One thing many people don’t know about falcons is they dive, sometimes really fast. I prefer birds that fly to the ground, okay? Birds shouldn’t be diving at all. Diving should just be done by people, mostly in the Olympics by cute girls in bikinis. They should be sevens, at least, and definitely no men. Nobody whose opinion matters to me wants to see that. And if a bird went on the board to dive down, I would change the channel since that would be worse than the new Celebrity Apprentice. Patriots, great name. Falcons, awful one.

The other thing about the Falcons the football team, not the stupid diving bird, is they have a player named Mohamed Sanu. He is a Muslim. He admitted to it, and he seems like he’s proud of it. The NFL is okay with this, even though statistics show that virtually all Islamic terrorists are Muslim. There was that thing in Quebec a few days ago where he was Muslim and then he wasn’t but strange things happen sometimes. Who knows? The point is, if it were up to me there would be a Muslim ban in the NFL until we find out exactly what Mr. Sanu plans to do with the bombs Matt Ryan will be throwing. There is reason to believe he will be doing something which will be quite upsetting to the good people of Boston, and Boston has been through enough lately.

Don’t worry, he won’t be doing much ball-catching or touchdown-scoring, because a surly man in a hoodie on the sidelines will be determined to stop him, and surly men in hoodies are some of the best people in the world for making things happen. And he will make American-sounding football teams great again.

At the end of the game, the Patriots’ points total will be bigly yuge, and the Falcons’ score will be sad.

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